Friday, February 1, 2013

Nouveau-Chateau? Whatever. Style Guide.

The window has slammed shut, alleluia. Newcastle, etc and so on. In the spirit of 'mainà travers la manche', how to be snide about any other Premiership club from a franglais point of view, and their current level of franc-ness:

Unité Hom’poitriner - Evra. He's been there so long that you'd be forgiven for forgetting he's French until he gets in a fight at an international competition. But he is.

Hommecaisser Cité - Clichy, Nasri, and presumably reserve defender Jeremy Helan have been joined by (and he may be removed from l'Equipe's effectif soon enough when it becomes clear he's never getting a game) Seko Fofana (17, from Lorient, where he hasn't played a game). 

Chelmer - Florent Malouda. Yes, he is still listed.

Tottenham Chaudéperon - Lloris, Gallas, Younes Kaboul and a couple of Belgians. 

Jamaistonne - only one, but when that one is Sylvain Distin, he counts double. Also some Belgians.

Arsenal - (deep breath) Koscielny, Sagna, Squillaci, Coquelin, Diaby, Giroud. Comme toujours. 

Etang-de-Foie - Personne. Nominating Gérard as designated representative for meetings.

Cygnes-de-Mer - Darnel Situ Buyente, who I admit I've never heard of. 

Bromwich Albion de l’Ouest - Marc-Antoine Fortuné. Good pun-potential there.

Alimenter - Steve N'Zonzi. Pulis thinks he's from Nantwich.

Pays-en-Morceaux - Alfred N'Diaye. Louis Saha recently released into the wild.

Plein-Jambon - no passport-holders, but Berbatov is spiritually French.

Jambon de l’Ouest - Frederic Piquionne. Which is just a lovely name to say. 

Niquel - Personne. But they have a 20-year-old defender called George Francomb, he'll do.

Nouveau-Chateau - Disappointingly, can't field a French goalkeeper, but Tim Krul's Dutch, so could presumably step in. Otherwise, it's an experimental three-at-the-back formation of:

Debuchy - Yanga-Mbiwa - Haidara
Obertan - Marveaux - Cabaye - Sissoko - Ben Arfa
Amalfitano - Gouffran

Sudhampton - Morgan Schneiderlin is actually French. Whaddayaknow. 

Lecture - Nobody. But props to Jimmy Kébé (Mali) for his contribution to the transfer rumour mill this month.

Perruqueun Athlétique - Nouha Dicko, just signed from Etang-Noir.

Étonnpavillon - Charles N'Zogbia and new arrival Yacouba Sylla. Plus, Paul Lambert said with an accent sounds like a deconstructionist novelist of the 1960s. Très bon.

Gardes-forestières du Parc de la Reine - Loic Rémy.  But then 'Arry only has 37 senior players from 20 different countries at his disposal, and Tony Fernandes has said he needs to think about expanding to new destinations/flightpaths...